Soften, open, release. 

by Christa Swift

The journey through student midwifery is often like the journey through labor. In the very beginning, I was bright eyed and eager to take in everything I could. A year into didactics, I felt pretty solid in my book knowledge and entered clinical training nervous …  but confident. My very first client developed an atypical presentation of pre-eclampsia, and I scrambled through textbooks and journal articles trying to take in information fast enough to keep up with what she needed next.

I’d built so many “if, then” flowcharts in my mind but ultimately reached the end of what I’d learned and had to ask myself and my preceptor “then what?” Those flow charts just didn’t match the mother sitting in front of me. It was then that I realized I still had so much learning to do. It wasn’t just putting my book knowledge into physical practice; I had to continue learning and unlearning through these experiences with both flexibility and adaptability.

Soften.

As I moved through my assist phase, the practice I apprenticed at took on three new students where I had previously been the only one. I didn’t know what to expect going from being the only student to one of a group. It was tempting to be intimidated by the fact that they were further ahead and had attended many more births than I had and to resist closing myself off. It took time to learn how to see them as teammates; that we were better sharing our journeys of growth together. It was a gift to learn alongside them, to share my knowledge and learn from theirs, and to learn how to work with other midwives. I also worked with two new preceptors for a short time, and I saw how different people manage their practice, how they word things, and different ways of serving their clients. I matured as a student and became more confident in my skills through these experiences because I was open to learning through them.

Open.

Now that my apprenticeship is winding down to the finish line, I recognize how little control we have through this process. I could have never foreseen that I would miss almost as many births as I made it to during my assist phase because of precipitous births. How could I have known I’d have a whole string of transfers for pre-eclampsia? Could I have planned for every transfer for unstable living conditions, babies who wrapped themselves tightly in their cord, or the feeling that home simply wasn’t the right place to be?

Early on, I wondered if it was all a sign that I wasn’t supposed to be a midwife. This process has been anything but straightforward. Maybe it was going to beat me and I should just give up now. But as I looked back at each experience, I realized that I learned too much along the way, even when I couldn’t get a sign off for it. Many families echoed how thrilled they were with their birth, even if it wasn’t the plan. At the end of the day, that’s what I wanted for them, not just a signature for myself. I let go of “the plan” and accepted that what happens, happens and I would do the best I could with what was in front of me. I couldn’t control the outcome but I could control my attitude and I’ve found so much more peace.

Hopefully the next thing released is me into the wild of midwifery (through a couple expensive pieces of paper) but for now, it’s the expectations, control and plan.

Release.

Dear student midwife, I hope some of this resonated with you. Wherever you are on the path, I hope you can soften to new information, open to the community around you, and release control as you go through each phase. There is so much personal growth through becoming a midwife; it’s a hard but a beautiful path to take. No matter what your journey has looked like, you’re becoming the midwife your community needs and you’ll both be better for it.